Kayy soo....

Hmmm so i'm sitting at my computer thinking about shit. Kay so i think i've changed a lot throughout this year. At this very moment i feel very free, i feel like there is no weight on my chest, nothing weighing me down. That could change but for right now i feel great. I finally have a job, it's a pretty shitty job but it's better than nothing. I feel more independent with myself and thats something that i've needed for a very long time. So it is August 4 at 12:18am in exactly 27 days i will be starting my Sophomore year of high school. I'm looking forward to it, get back in the habit of seeing my friends daily rather than seeing them maybe once or twice a week like it is now but for once i'm enjoying the "me time" and being able to relax. I'm not exactly sure what else i wanna talk about which is shitty but what can ya do. Oh well. This was kind of just an update i guess. Kay buhbye(:

Direction

So here i am once again, sitting at my computer trying to put my thoughts into words. Over this past school year i've been through more then i can comprehend. I've been in the lowest place of my life this past December. I've had my high points and my low points. My low points as being too depressed to even want to get out of bed and in the end result missing a ton of school to the point where i'm failing all of my classes and struggling to keep up. Being completely love struck to not come to the realization that i was dating a complete asshole. Not being able to find my place in these crowded hallways. Not being able to find my voice for the longest time. But then again i've had my high points. Finding my group of friends that i can relate to, get along with, and be myself around. Finding love when i wasn't looking for it...and then losing it. But thats alright. I still haven't found my direction but i don't expect to just yet. I have plenty of time to figure that out. I've been trying to take the time to look at the beauty in things and try to be thankful for what i have.

"Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, til the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself." -W.C. Doane

Just some thoughts

So I haven't posted anything in a long time and I'm not going to make an excuse why because I don't have one. I'm sitting here in my thumper pajama pants and my NFC championship packer t shirt with my hair up and glasses on watching Kim and Kourtney take NYC under a huge purple fuzzy blanket cuz I've been sick since last Wednesday. And it's Thursday night. I'm so tired of being sick, it's so draining(obviously) I'm not quite sure what I want to talk about but I just want to talk. I've been through a lot lately. Way too much that I'd like to have. I feel like my mind has been on overdrive for the past couple months. I don't even know why I'm so sad or I don't even wanna call it being sad or depressed. I don't know what it is. I feel blahh. I feel like there's nothing exciting anymore, like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I feel like I'm going through life with no direction about what I want to do. I have nothing fun in my life anymore, I know that sounds drastic but it's true. At times there are things that make it better and make me happy but it never lasts. I need something or someone just to set me over the edge and make me happy. I feel like I have no friends, no real friends at least. I have the friends that I can joke around with and can sit at lunch with, but not the ones that I can tell everything to. I want friends like that. I find myself sitting alone on the weekends envying those who have that. I don't like school, it makes me sick. Seeing all the happy couples and cute cheerleaders(excuse me "poms") parading around with their boy toys and people with their fake relationship makes me want to kill myself. The school work and homework shit is just a waste of my time. I'm tired of sitting in class and pretending to be learning about useless crap that I don't care about. School isn't for me. I know one of my previous posts might be contradicting to that last comment but I don't care. As I sit here and type this post I'm dreading thinking about going to school tomorrow. I honestly don't care about anything anymore. Well I'm not exactly sure what to talk about anymore so I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you guys later.

Please listen

The silence is ringing in my ears. The silent front that your giving me. Why must you look at me with those addictingly pitiful eyes. Why must you keep me waiting and wondering. I can't wait an eternity. Please make up your mid, I don't know if I can go another night with no sleep. Just listen to what I'm saying for once , pull your ego out of the way and listen to me... Stop talking and listen to how fast my heart beats when your around.
Do you see the jealousy in my eyes when you look at me? Does she? Don't make this about her. Dont look at me when your thinking of her. Don't say my name when you wish you were saying hers. It's okay to say no, just get it over with. Ill be fine but I wont let you see it any other way. I'll make sure your happy even if I can't be with you... I'll keep my mind bolted shut so you can't find a way inside, not that you would even try. I'll miss your kisses and the way you would hold me, but I'll be alright. As long as your happy I'll be fine...

Faces

I wear many faces, some way too old to fit the girl glued to the back of them. I keep all of these faces in a secret little box, stashed away where no one can find it. It's murky in there, overcast with feelings and thoughts I dont let anyone see. Not that anyone cares to go looking. No one wants to know what bothers me. Too hung up on their own problems. Sometimes I think I should go looking for my true face. So I open that box, search inside. But no matter how hard I search for it, I can never find me...

I want you to understand

I wish that for one day someone could walk in my shoes, see things through my eyes, feel everything that I do, be able to know everything that goes through my head. Good or bad. I want you to understand what my day is like. I want you to understand what your words do to me. I want you to understand these depressing thoughts that go through my head all the time. I want you to feel what I feel when I think about what you say to me. I want you to understand everything. Don't think for one second that your words don't hurt. 

What am I afraid of losing when I have nothing?

Everyone still can't see past my fake smile and look down deep to see the real me for once.
Do they even want to?

I can say I have friends. Just "friends"
Not the kind of friends that will notice when I'm having a bad day though.
Just the friends that want to take you along for your oppinion cuz they know that you won't say something bad about them.

I've become a good liar.
I can lie straight to your face and you don't care enough to tell whether or not I'm lying.
You don't care enough to reach out to me.

But did I ever try to reach out to you?
No.
Did I ever call you at 2AM because I couldn't sleep because I had way too much on my mind?
Did I ever roll my sleeve up and show you my scars so you would actually see them for once and not hide them?
No.
Did I ever make an attempt to talk to you about myself?
No.
So I guess I can't blame just you.

Updateee!

I'm soo sorry I haven't been able to put up a new post in awhile but I've been crazyy busy with school and family and all that stuff. I'm probably in the 5th-ish week of my Freshmen year and I love it, well some of it. I'm okay with the classes and I am currently passing all of them with an A. I hate to say that I have already fallen hard for someone... I know what your thinking. "You just started school and you already like someone?!?!" I know, I know. I've heard it all, but I'm okay with it. Somewhat. Oh and his name is Chris and he asked me to Homecoming and I guess thats how it all started. I have a slight feeling that he may be playing me...but then again when I asked a couple of his friends, they all said he's not like that at all...Well let's hope not...
This past weekend I got to see my niece that I haven't seen in awhile, and it was alot of fun =]
So I'm not exactly sure what else to talk about, so I'm gonna go get started on my History homework. So bye for now =]